good day.

anyone who knows me well enough knows that i'm not the most optimistic person in the world. therefore, it's a rare day that i wake up on the right side of the bed, (which i didn't today by the way). i've been to countless psychiatrists and therapists reassuring me that i was predisposed this way. i'm not pessimistic by choice all the time. however, i do choose to be pessimistic about a lot of things. but sometimes i can't always help it. this results in me being a VERY difficult person to be around sometimes. just ask my family and close friends. this is something i have to struggle with daily, because my brain makes me see things half empty instead of half full. it's a daily battle to actually want to get out of bed and have a normal day. i have to FORCE myself to go to school and get outside my comfort zone and be around people my age. if it were a perfect world, all i would do everyday is stay home, cuddle with my dogs (who are 2 of the only things that make me feel better instead of worse), watch movies, read, and eat. every time i step out of the house, i have the same thoughts over and over again. "you have no friends at school, no one is interested in you. this is because you are 20 pounds too heavy, your skin is too fair, your nose has too big of a bump, too many freckles, and you're too guarded for anyone to actually want to be around you." the thoughts always win, i go to school/work with my head down, my iPod in, no smile on my face because what's there to be happy about right? i have more bad days than good, but i have SO much to be grateful for. when i stop focusing on the worldly things, i'm able to see how much i have compared to little kids in africa who are so happy with how little they have. i have a house to live in, i have two living parents that love me, i have siblings that i can talk to everyday (that is if i'm in the mood to ;) ), i have a running car, i get to go to college that is only 15 minutes away from me, i have TWO jobs. TWO! most people right now can't even find one, and i have two!! i get to be around 18 horses that i LOVE and teach kids how to do something that i LOVE. i have a niece to look forward to, and she is HEALTHY and strong. i don't have very many friends, but the few i have are GREAT. i know that there is a God, and he LOVES me. which is one of the hardest things for me to remember, there are so many bad things about me, but he adores me. there are so many people who have never even had the opportunity to know that there is a God that loves them no matter what. i will always always struggle with my depression, BUT from now on, i am going to work harder, and be more open to being happy. i love my family and i love my friends, but now i want to learn how to love myself. because if i don't love myself, why would anyone else want to?

Amen.